Mom Life

Self-Doubt

Do any other moms out there ever get this overwhelming feeling that you aren’t succeeding in other people’s eyes? Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you had made another decision? Yeah, I’ve been there and have felt every emotion known to man. Lately, I’ve been wondering if I made the right decisions in my life. Contemplating on what my life would have been like if I hadn’t quit my job.

Two and half years ago I called my dad to have our regular weekly conversations. We always talked about anything and everything, but more specifically how my job hunts were going. Toward the end of the conversation he had mention to me that his doctor wanted him to follow-up with a specialist. He said that lately he’s been having trouble breathing. Little did I know that it was the beginning of our journey battling the awful disease of cancer.

After my dad passed away from stage four lung cancer; I began questioning everything I did and have yet to do. I was nine months pregnant when he passed away and so between pregnancy emotions, I was also mourning my father. He did everything in his power to make sure that I graduated and got my license in nursing. We did everything together from my resume to potential job options. It was our thing. Every day he encouraged me and pushed me way beyond my comfort zone. But the day he passed away was the day that a little part of me died too.

 

13350538_10157029465885707_5481265908601825025_o
My dad and I when I was fourteen.

Today I have yet to return to nursing although I make sure to keep up with the latest changes and definitely keep up with requirements to renew my license. My husband and I decided that it was best for our family that I stay home with our children to enjoy the time he will be missing. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would have been a Stay at home mom, at least for now. The phrase Stay at home mom is such a line that frightens a lot of women my age. I always thought who would want to stay home it would be boring not having anything to do. I always said I would never be that mom. Yet, times have changed. Being at home has given me a new perspective on my life. It has allowed me to take a step back and visualize everything that I take for granted. The idea of being bored at home has definitely hit me straight in the face. I never realized that there was so much to get accomplished in a day. From getting my daughter out of bed, dressed, fed and off to school. To a crying toddler who doesn’t want you to change his diaper because he only wants to be with his sister. To a husband who doesn’t come home on time because policing isn’t really an 8-5 job. Please don’t take my words out of context because I do support my working moms out their making it big in their careers while having a family. You guys have the toughest job of them all. I enjoy seeing updates from my former friends, classmates, coworkers, moms and all my social media friends about their successes. I love that they are making names from themselves. But, the reason of this post isn’t to focus on stay at home moms or working moms, or who can do it all. It’s about being able to cope in those moments when you feel the weakest.

Sometimes I can’t help, but think if I would have stayed at my job maybe I could’ve been like [insert name here] because she’s already four years into her career and she’s gotten a promotion. Or the moments of, well if I did this [insert life changing event] then we would’ve been far ahead like [insert name here]. When these moments come to mind I have to refocus. I have to remember why Harvey and I made the decisions we did. I also have to remember that I don’t have to answer to anyone, but myself and of course my husband. We make decisions every day for a reason. These decisions are for us and us alone. Sometimes making a huge decision can change lives in a good way or it can do a 180 and be bad. No matter what the circumstance we must remind ourselves that life is too short to have regrets. We don’t want to continue looking back saying what if. We should continue looking forward saying where do we want to go from here. Allowing myself to have those self-doubting moments motivates me to see what the future has in store. Every day I ask myself what can I do to better myself today, tomorrow and beyond. It’s always good to have these moments so we can reevaluate what’s important to us. We have to find that common ground that keeps us centered as a person remembering that everyone has different goals in life. We should never compare ourselves to “perfect” families or people. A few years ago I found a at home workout video on YouTube by Cassey Ho. There was something she shared in the video that helped me over the last couple of years with my fitness goals and in life. She said (and I can’t quote it exactly, but it’s pretty close) don’t let someone else success be your failure. We shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to others, we should be focused on bettering ourselves and be proud of how much stronger we are today then we were yesterday. Every video that I’ve worked out to always seem to have helped with me be more confident as a person and as a mother. If you have an opportunity you should check it out. So to my stay at home and working career moms keep doing what’s best for you and your family. Don’t ever feel bad for where you are in life because one day you will get where you need to be. We are all on different timelines.

 

 

18698525_1326504927463505_5072104587417284373_n
My first 5k since High School and I placed 1st in my age category.

With love,

Alyssa.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 thought on “Self-Doubt”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s